I am dumb while I stare at these hands
\nGaze on this face
\nMuted by this strange pink that is usually so familiar.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t help but laugh\u2026 silently
\nat the seaming illusion that\u2019s my own line
\nMy own form
\nMy own splotches of yellows, reds and grays.<\/p>\n
Forgetting myself, losing myself in the way that is not comforting
\nor freeing.
\nNot like that world that I daydreamed in my childhood.
\nThat world I was so convinced existed somewhere just out of my vision.
\nThat I could touch if I only held my breath long enough or stared long enough at the gossamer strands lacing the sunlight.<\/p>\n
Instead, it is muted. Dull, without a glistening pulse or familiar rhythm.
\nAn absence of\u2026something. Like that place you land when you fall between wake and sleep and before your body jerks you awake.
\nI want to wake.<\/p>\n
I want to feel vital. Alive. Thrilled.
\nMoved to action.
\nMoved to touch
\nMoved to tears
\nor screams
\nor gut splitting laughter.<\/p>\n
But, I am muted. Not even truly restless.
\nBut that ache is there. That ache to reach past this thick, viscous, wall
\nThat\u2019s coated my flesh, my innards my breath with nauseating stillness.<\/p>\n
That ache is my hope. My solace. My resolution that this will pass.
\nThat this is only a moment.
\nA moment poised in stillness, while my body rests in emptiness.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am dumb while I stare at these hands Gaze on this face Muted by this strange pink that is usually so familiar. I can\u2019t help but laugh\u2026 silently at the seaming illusion that\u2019s my own line My own form My own splotches of yellows, reds and grays. Forgetting myself, losing myself in the way […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s7piXs-muted","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/262"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=262"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/262\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=262"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=262"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ooanabe.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=262"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}